Body Image and Epilepsy : The Truth About AED’s and Weight (and my boobs)

If you’ve been following me for a while now, you probably know where this one is going and that I don’t leave out dirty details or care about modesty. I’ll talk about pooping, crying, throwing up and curse a lot, so here’s an interesting story that may strike a nerve if you’re sensitive about weight. I am going to tell you what happened to me and my boobs.

Here’s a snapshot of my weight before I was diagnosed a year ago: 130 lbs and 5’2 with some nice curves. It took me a while to accept my body, but eventually I embraced it. I never had a teeny waist or perky tits, and I really didn’t care after a while. Trust me, growing up as a teenage girl definitely did some body image damage, but I grew out of it after a while and embraced what I had. I am grateful to have had come out of my teenage years with a healthy body image, there are a lot of people who still struggle.

Here’s where I was around 3-4 months into my treatment with AED’s of all sorts after being diagnosed : At my lowest, 110 lbs and skeletor with my tits almost down to my belly button with no ass at all. 110lbs doesn’t sound horrible or too skinny but it was. I hated it, I was so uncomfortable at night with floppy boobs that I slept in bras. Yeah, the best part of a girls day (taking that bra off at the end of a long day) was my undoing. I had lost 20 lbs so rapidly that everything went with it, my happiness, my boobs and my ass. Having your clothes hang on you doesn’t feel like being a model at all, in fact, it’s stupid. I liked my ass, I liked my boobs (kind of) and to have them suddenly be saggy and flat made me cry on a daily basis. I had to hold back tears during sex because of how shitty I felt. And I do not cry, I am a very unemotional person. I don’t cry during movies, and I am not a fan of Disney movies. When Simbas'(am I spelling that correctly? I don’t care) dad died, nothing. That’s just me, it takes a lot to make me cry. Depression caused by the AED’s along with the rapid weight loss took a toll on my emotions. Rapid weight fluctuations can cause horrible side effects, like hair loss in my case. I was losing my eyebrows and I am still having some hair loss that I think is either from the weight fluctuations or an after effect of depakote.

Now I am holding steady at around 120ish lbs. It fluctuates a few pounds each month courtesy of shark week. No biggie. All it took was getting off of those horrendous meds to get almost back to normal, I blame Topamax and Keppra, read about those fucked up experiences here-> F*ck You Topamax & Keppra Made Me Do It . My boobs still haven’t rebounded so to speak, but I can happily report that the ass is back. I don’t know for sure why the other 10 lbs isn’t coming back, I think it’s due to my personal diet change that is mostly plant-based and filled with lot’s of water and Klonopin twice a day to control the worst of my myoclonus and some of the absence seizures. It’s not the perfect medication, but I am happy with it. And if the 10 lbs does come back, I am prepared, and so are my boobs.

I realize that there are those who would be happy with the weight loss AED’s gave them, but I wasn’t. And If it makes you happy, good. Especially if it helps your epilepsy. Always talk to your doctor about these things, sometimes it’s a sign of something more serious. In my case, my neruologist (the pill pusher) at the time thought I could have had a muscular disease. All clear there, thankfully, but I feel better knowing rather than having the mystery of not knowing looming over me.

I never have wanted large boobs, I just wanted boobs. Ones that fit nicely in a bra without a fight and don’t get caught in my armpits while sleeping. I am 25, they shouldn’t be doing that yet. I also have deep pitted stretch marks on my boobs that are still not filling in or out.Going braless is painful. Having your boobs feel like they’re being stretched every time they get released from their prison is a terrible experience to have everyday. And having them look like sad, flattened pieces of chicken cutlets when sitting in a normal bra is just adds to the shitfest called getting dressed.

I want my boobs back, even though they weren’t perfect, I want them back. It’s amazing how boobs can change your image and mind.

Let me know if you have had a similar experience, and I am sorry if you have.

* it’s been almost 24 hours now since I have posted this, almost 200 people have read this. Let me know please, what would you do? Breast lift? Let it be? Please comment and subscribe. 




3 thoughts on “Body Image and Epilepsy : The Truth About AED’s and Weight (and my boobs)

  1. My wife and I feel your pain. She to lost most of her breast tissue and went from a 44 ddd to a 36 in the span of 5 years. She has taken almost all the AED’s but she blamed to boob loss on her VNS. She wants to get pregnant to see if her boobs come back… and if that doesn’t work it a trip to see the breast doctor. From a guys perspective we are interesting in other things too. So don’t worry too much about it… As far as the hair problems try this simply thing – Prenatal vitamins it got the wife hair growing again… Good luck to you and I saw your blog on r/epilepsy in case your were wondering.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I just read your blog to my wife and then my response. She said, I understand exactly how you feel and the doctor told me the VNS didn’t cause weight loss but I found out it did… I was also on Topamax and Keppra too… So who knows! It’s just wrong what is going on… I feel the same way. and I’m glad I am not the only one who had this problem… My husband loves me and my family loves me the way I am… But I miss them too. Girl you are not alone!

        Liked by 1 person

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