Klonopin: That Benzo Life

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Photo Credit : Psychology24.org

 

I’m going to tell you what it’s like to take .5 mg of Klonopin 3x a day as prescribed by my neurologist. So it’s legal, yay. Just getting that out of the way. For anyone who is familiar with this drug and others like it you will know that it’s a large amount. But, I don’t get to drowsy or have many side-effects luckily. Hooray for having the tolerance of a mother fucking horse.

One of the worst symptoms I’ve experienced in the past year and half has been tremors and uncontrollable jerking. I can deal with absence seizures and the auras that come with. Deja vu? Bring it on. But having my right arm just throw stuff on the ground is another story. That’s where Klonopin comes in. I’ve been on so many different AEDs and NONE of them could control this. The left side of my brain is a bitch, and the only thing that makes her happy is Klonopin. Lucky #7. I’ve written about a few of them, the worst ones, so search through my site to see what catches your eye. Spoiler: all of them sucked ass.

Let’s start with all of the things that happen when my brain decides to be a brat.

  • Right arm just throws whatever it has in its hand. My drink, my phone, your phone, that delicious popsicle I was enjoying, the remote, a hot pan, etc. you get the idea.
  • Right arm, when hand is empty, jerks outward resulting (sometimes) in a slap to the person lucky enough to be next to me.  Or it slams into a hard surface like a wall or your car window.
  • I just stand up. No fucking reason. I just do it. Middle of a mid-term? No problem, let’s just stand up and knock everything in your lap onto the floor. Great.
  • My entire body has one sudden freak out, it looks like I’ve been shocked for a second. Also, it hurts my fucking neck. Whiplash.
  • Eyeliner? Eyelash curler? Fuck it, sometimes you gotta sacrifice a retina. Slay.

Now that you know my struggles and the reasons it was prescribed to me here’s what’s been happening since starting the 3x a day.

I have been having the most VIVID dreams you can imagine. One dream, I’m not going to tell you about because I’m turning that fantastic fucker into a book. But the others, all of them about cruise ships for no fucking reason. Why cruise ships?! Someone who can read dreams weigh in on this please. No nightmares, and definitely no insomnia.

I still have absence seizures, deja vu, hallucinate smells that aren’t there and get lost in my brain fog a lot. It is a lot less, down to 1 or 2 big events a week rather than 5-6.

How has my anxiety been? It’s better. I started up Facebook again, we’ll see how long that lasts before I have a meltdown and delete it. But, when it comes to communication with my professors, I let it rip. I don’t hold back. I keep it PG, but let me tell you, I’ve gotten 3 apologies this semester from professors who think they’re the shit. I’m not afraid to correct them or tell them to correct my grade because lazy teachers piss me off.

Something has been pointed out to me recently by another person with temporal lobe epilepsy,  Hypergraphia . He is a Sci Fi writer, Richard Emery follow him on twitter @richardem. And in that moment I understood myself. I have a fuck ton of journals with scribbles in them, and little legal pads full of random lists and stupid ideas. Maybe that’s why I started this blog in the first place. I thought I was just weird, it was normal to me.

Since starting the Klonopin, I will have a very sudden intense desire to write something at any moment. I don’t always act on it because it’s usually a terrible idea, or I am already in the middle of writing a paper for school. I have more control over the writing and scribbles.On the other AEDs I would feel almost manic, but with Klonopin, it feels like a smooth transition of time passing. It is also super beneficial for writing scholarship essays.

You all have experienced this at least once. You’re in the middle of a class, bored out of your mind and you just doodle away aimlessly. Now times that feeling by 10.

Disclaimer: Always keep your doctor updated on your condition, speak with your pharmacist etc. Be safe, don’t just take drugs for the fuck of it if you have a serious illness.

 

 

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