I used to watch the re-runs of Next Generation when I was truly sick for the first time. That was when my gallbladder was giving me hell. It took months to get a diagnosis, Biliary Dyskinesia . My ejection fraction rate was less than 11% by the time I got the nuclear test done with the radioactive injection and CCP. After that it took a couple weeks for them to schedule my surgery. All the while, I was living off of saltine crackers and ginger ale. Not a fun time. The only thing I remember enjoying was watching those re runs, and I’ll I wanted was to be in the future. I didn’t like where I was 3 years ago.
I then started to binge watch it following the surgery, and then I watched Voyager, DS9, even enterprise unfortunately, and all of the movies. It was the only way I could fall asleep at night, and to this day I will fall asleep to it. It calms me down, relaxes my mind, and makes me think of a future where I don’t have to suffer (unless I’m being assimilated by Borg).
After the surgery I tried working, taking classes online, and nothing really interested me. I was in limbo for a bit. And then something changed, I started thinking I wanted to be a physician assistant (nope), and applied to my university and got in. My first semester was ok, I was older than everyone by about 4 years so it was awkward but I got over it. The only class I enjoyed was an astronomy course for non-astronomy majors. IT. WAS. FANTASTIC. My mind was blown, and I switched my damn major as fast as I could. This was my Star Trek dream. But by the end of the semester I began having panic attacks in the middle of class (of the nausea and puking kind), blanking out and just all around not feeling well. My GP wrote it off as anxiety and gave me some zoloft and ativan to help me get through the last part of the semester. I just barely scraped by. I went back home for the summer and that’s when things got real and changed.
I got the blood clot in my leg, Bertha, that ho. I also stopped taking the zoloft and ativan. And as soon as that was out of my system, things got weird. I would have moments of extreme “enlightenment” for lack of a better word. I got super pumped and motivated to do something and had no outlet. So, as soon as I could I found a job, a home and moved back to school. I worked almost full-time and went to class 5 days a week.
The anxiety attacks still happened, and wouldn’t go away. And then I started falling for no reason. I’ve realized now, that after those falling incidents, I would have these extreme mood swings that made me either extremely sad or motivated and I would immerse myself in my astronomy homework. It was like my Star Trek relief. Little did I know I was having seizures this whole time. I’ve already talked about the epilepsy journey and it’s linked above in Bertha.
After going through that entire process of getting diagnosed, trying all of those terrible medications, and having my surgery for my endometriosis I finally am where I’m at now. A weird (in a fantastic way) place that involves a fuck ton of writing, school and arguing. My personality has changed drastically.
Before, I was ok with just watching some Star Trek and moving on. But now, holy shit, I have progressively changing thoughts and feelings that require action in order to make me feel better. I say what’s on my mind, write it and then just don’t give a flying fuck about what others think. I feel like my mind is free from the anxiety that took up so much of my time.
I enjoy math, hated it before. I enjoy writing long research papers, hated that as well. I enjoy reading “boring” articles, you guessed it, fucking hated that. The list goes on. I’ve always had the capacity to make myself do these things, but begrudgingly. Now, its pure enjoyment.
Sure I blank out, have deja-vu that could rival that ridiculous movie, jerk around randomly and smell things that aren’t there. But I’ve come to terms with it, I made a deal with my brain. It can do that shit as long as I get to do what I want.
My brain is changing, absence seizures gradually do change the brains structure over a period of time. Or just accepting the fact that this will be with me for the rest of my life has somehow changed my mind. Either way, I’m enjoying my life more.
Also, if you haven’t already follow me on the social media accounts and on here. I would also reallly appreciate some sharing of my site. It’s monetized now, and I like money. So, chop chop. Help a girl out. Thanks!