I am the classic over-thinking neurotic person. I can’t help it and I have always been that way. So when I’m told “Hey there’s a party we’re going to go to next week.” or “Hey (insert more than 2 people) are stopping by.” My brain goes into its little prison called fuck you land. What that magical place is are my worst fears all being lived out because I think of every single possible thing that could and would and will go wrong. Stupid things I will say or do. Maybe I’ll get nauseous, or have to take my pills in front of people or both. Or say something so dumb I hate myself and my stupid brain/mouth problems. And then I get nauseous.

People are what drive my crazy for the most part. People are wildcards thrown into my deck of life that I have neatly shuffled for my game of soliatire. People fuck that game up. I realize that it is ultimately my issue that I seriously need to deal with, but I am deep down not a people person. Whatever that actually is, I will never be it. I posted about being an introvert a couple of weeks back, and that does have to do with this a little, but for the most part this is an entirely different beast.

I have a pretty small group of friends that I’ve known for years, and I attend their parties (theirs not mine, because my version of a party is me alone) on a regularish basis. Maybe every couple of months we will all get together. Those are usually the biggest social gatherings I am at. And the ones that give me crazy ass fucking social anxiety.

I don’t think that because there are a lot of people at the grocery store I have to avoid it, no it’s a grocery store (I just don’t make eye contact with people I don’t know). I am not a normal person i.e. thats why I have a frickin’ blog.  It also took me a few months to put my name to this blog and reach out and write for other sites like FEMpotential .  Again, not normal and full of anxiety about being me and caring too much about what other people think of me.

When I leave a party, I leave with memories of every single thing I said and what others said (unless I was too drunk to remember, then I ask my boyfriend for those memories). And those memories stick with me and I over analyze them constantly and feel nothing but embarrassment, even if I was fine and normal. I am always 100% embarrassed by my own self. Even though I am on Klonopin, and now a fucking beta-blocker I should be the most calm person. And that is physically how I come across (Thanks drugs!), mentally I am messed up. Clearly, you have gathered that much by now.

So it feels like a constant embarrassing nightmare. That is the best I can explain it simply. And that nightmare is real and I live with it for weeks over thinking every. little. thing. It is unstoppable, and constant. 

No matter what I do, take or think it doesn’t ever go away. The best I can do so I can fall asleep at night is the 5 7 8 breathing technique. Breathe in through your mouth for 5 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, and exhale slowly through your nose for 8 seconds. I repeat this a few times and I try as hard as I can to stop thinking. Because fuck anxiety.