This sucks to say but, my job triggers my seizures. I will be completely fine and ready to go but about an hour or so into work the seizures start-up. Before this they were much fewer in between. I thought at first it was nerves, which are normal I am adjusting to a new lifestyle change and that can be disrupting for someone like me (introverted and generally people hating). But, it’s not going away. It’s also one of the motivators behind starting my Patreon . I need to be doing something that works with my lifestyle, not the other way around. I have tried adjusting my thinking and shifting it towards positive aspects to focus on. It’s not enough, in fact, it nowhere near what I need to get myself through this.
I’ve left work early twice now, and had to take a day within two months. I leave dizzy, disoriented and nauseous with a migraine. This is because I know I am having repeated absence seizures. How do I know this? I will be in the middle of a phone call and all of a sudden the notes on my computer look like someone let their toddler play with the keyboard and the person on the line hung up. My heart is usually pounding and my ears are ringing.
The position I am in makes me feel sad, trapped and anxious. My heart is actually pounding right now because just writing about it makes me so upset. I’ve never had anything get to me like this. At first I thought it was a part of my worsening symptoms (What Now?), but I am slowly getting that part of my life under control again. I also don’t have this sense of doom when I think about the testing coming up, in fact, I can’t wait because I want answers. A lot of chronically ill people will understand that.
Trapped. That explains the feeling the best, almost like life has me in a cage and keeps poking me with a stick.
Most people I have talked to love this job, and I mean actually love it and have made a career out of it. Which is great, but when I ask them how they cope with the harder times during the job all they say is “It’s just a job, don’t bring it home with you”. I can’t stand that response I’ve heard it so much. From friends, coworkers, family and random people on the internet when I google ‘ I hate my job’. Thanks google, what a gem you are. Every single moment is becoming unbearable, and I don’t take it home. It’s easy to leave it at work but it’s not easy to keep going during the job.
Do I care who sees this? No, in fact I want people to know because writing is the only form of communication I feel helps me express myself the clearest. And what I want is for people to hear this loud and clear.
I fear that ADA accommodations wont help me at all and that this job may not be sustainable for me. I’ve worried myself so much over getting this job and wanted it so badly only to find out it is the worst thing for me. So, I am on the prowl for something that is hopefully the opposite of what I have right now, or close to the opposite. I have no way of making people understand that I am not like them and can’t just push away my anxiety or brush off the seizures and continue. It literally cannot be helped no matter how much klonopin I take, trust me I’ve tried every coping mechanism I have in my arsenal. That includes the weird 5 7 8 breathing technique.
I’ve been feeling the effects of the extra seizures and it’s causing a lot of problems with my memory, emotions and especially with my speech. I’ve taken to just giving up on striking up conversations and prefer to sit in silence because I know I don’t have the emotional range to care about it enough and I slur my words more which makes me sound intoxicated.
I hate my job, the work triggers seizures, and It’s really depressing. Also, I could care less about the people I am “helping”. That statement seems mean but I am at the end of my rope here. Nowhere is where I’m going and it is painfully frustrating.